I don't want to be perfect, i just want to be

ugg, i suck. 259.2, staring at me in the little scale screen. even after two rounds of laxies in as many days in a last ditch effort to rid my self of the evidence of my lack of self-control. i fell of the wagon. i broke my rule about laxie use during the school week. i almost shit myself(sorry, TMI)during an assembly. (2 hours long and the worst pain of my life) i ate, a lot, and then refused to get off my ass. i will do better, this cannot be permitted to continue. I must be better. Better. Better. Better. Better. Better. Better. it will define me. Better. BEST.

going for training this weekend for my job. i get 100 bucks for it so I'm pleased. I'll be surrounded by fried greasy food, FUCK ME. hopefully I'll have the common sense to grab a few boxes of cereal from the continental breakfast at the hotel and just eat those.

I've been reading a book called "Beauty Queens" by Libba Bray. I'M IN LOVE WITH IT.(it's basically the literary version of my brain and thought process, it's truly amazing) if you enjoy sarcasm and sardonic/ironic portrayal of today's society i sincerely recommend it. it's hilarious.

after this post i think i'm gonna disappear for a while so i can focus on losing some actual pound-age.

I LOVE YOU GUYS for all your amazing comments on my last post. i'll respond later, i promise.

HERE'S THINSPO: Black and white, my favorite.











































Love and i hope to have good news soon,
Elle

100 followers and 255.2 am i dreaming????

ok, first order of business it to give all 100 of you CYBER HUGS!!!! comm'ere *gathers you all and..... HUGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!*

i'm pretty sure that this is the best i've felt in a LONG ASS time. i love you guys and i juat wanna make sure that all of you know it. from the bottom of my heart, i.love.you. i wish there was a word for all the love i feel.

"ok, mushy, get on with it."

kk, just took a poo, and i weighted myself and i'm 255.2, the lightest i've been in a long time. i'm so incredibly happy, this contest that i'm doing is really helping me motivate myself, so i wanna give a quick thank you to americaneaglelove, who has made this weight loss possible. thank you so much, you've helped me more than you know.

and now on to my life,

well i was sick most of this week and therefor ate like a mofo, but i ended up pulling my shit together at the end.

for the last week i was REALLY worried that i might fail my math course for the entire year b/c i could very well get an F as my overall 6 weeks grade. but i just learned that because i have carried a C/B average the entire year that i will not fail the class. i felt like flying to the moon, i was that happy.

i also had a choir concert this week and it was also the awards ceremony, i got a letter which is amazing and a little certificate for being in choir for 2 years.

and i've almost finished A Fistful or Rice, which is about the founder of SKS, a major micro-finance company in India, and it was REALLY GOOD!! lately i've been on a reading kick and i'm really into books about India or Indian Culture. i finished The Twentieth Wife and i'm about 1/3 of the way through the sequel, The Feast of Roses. i really into themed reading, when i read, i like all of my books to have a central theme, idea or just a similar feel to them. and i LOVE historical fiction. i'm such a culture nerd.

also, i decided to stay home this weekend instead of going to a friend of my mom's child's Grad. Party. i dunno, i just feel kinda awkward but i might pop in for the actual graduation and party and then come home. my mom went to stay the entire weekend b/c a friend of hers flew in from Florida and needs a ride to and from the airport.

that's about it, i'm not very exciting. well ok, i'm a bit busy with lots of little things. i always end up taking on like 20 different small projects and it feels like i've just buried myself. oh well, i like it that way.


Comments on Comments:
Tifanny Tilly: hehe, you're so sweet! my presentation went pretty well actually and all is good, thanks love.
Clytie: THANKS!! ^.^
Sofia:*Smilies* thank you ^.^
K: hehe, i'm glad i make you laugh, i like to be that person. well babe, the way i see it, i could do this or i could be an ax murdurer. (in normal words it means that we all have our hangups and i would rather this kind of crazy to any other)
Kitty: AWW's, you's all making me blush. Thank you!
ElBar7a:oh my, i didn't realize that having a baby dreams were prevelent. good, i'm not too crazy. i know how you feel, it's like you go from normal person to prego to can't see my feet anymore in a span of a conversation. it's really freaky.

LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (excessive exclamation points, why, yes please!!)
Elle

P.S. : there will be thinspo in your future, just saying.

255, god damnit 255!!!!

AAFDEJKGERKIDM255.6GOVIEJ!!!!!!!!! (translates to: HOLLLLYYY FUCK, I WAS 255.6 THIS mORNING EVEN WITH FOOD AND WATER IN ME!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! *brain explosion from happiness*)

*ahem*

hellooooo loveliessss *stadium voice*

well, i guess you heard about me being f-ing 255.6 today. even with this huge ass parfait i had for breakfast and like 18 oz of water in me. i'm seriously so happy i could cry.

bad news is i have a sinus infection and have to give a presentation in an hour at school, then i get to come home and sleep it off.

and how crazy is it that i have 97 of you loves out there reading my crazy wishy-washy thoughts. umm like charlie sheen crazy. (oh yeah, pop culture reference, beast)

ok, i gots to share something with you guys. i keep having dreams about babies. one dream was where i was in the zombie apocalypse and i had a child and she was like 2-4 years old and i seriously LOVED her. i was really scared that the zombies were gonna get her when i went grocery shopping. and then, in another dream, my family was running from the outlaw Tommy Pickles (yes, Rugrats reference, but he was all tough ass and not like the show at all) and i had my new born child, like 3 days old, and it was dead of winter and i was worried it would die in the cold. and then last night i was pregnant, with triplets, except i hadn't had sex, or taken pre-natal vitamins or gone to a sonogram ever, so i was freaked out that these kids would be like majorly deformed. and no one even knew i was pregnant until it was the due date, which is weird cause triplets make pretty obvious weight gain. and i was going to give them up for adoption b/c i was 16 years old and couldn't afford triplets. in the dream my mom wanted me to give birth at home but i NEEDED to go to the hospital. i woke up before i got to the hospital.

it's really freaky. i mean i like kids but honestly it's starting to scare me.

ok, random time over.

Comments on Comments:

Americaneaglelove: aww, thankies babe. i'll just have to wait and see if she shows any signs or if she confesses to me or something.

K: hiii!! wow, i hadn't thought about it like that. i think i'll give it a try. thanks babe. i'm happy you are reformed. i wish you all the luck and skill in the world.

HCF:AWWWWWW, HUUGGGGSSSS!!! you, my friend, are the adoreable one. you make me all blushy. aww, shucks.

GOTSTA GOOOO,
BYE BYE LOVIES,
Elle

HEY LOVES!!

hey babes,

whats up, lovelies? i've fasted for 39 hours. and i'm now 258.4 lbs. so happy [: . and it's friday.

damn french class where a girl made french apple tarts for the class for extra credit. (112 cal) meh, could have been worse. gonna do my workouts today and then i will have worked out all week long, what a change.

ok, so theres this girl. We'll call her E, and she's a freshman and really a cool person.(she along w/ me and H will be doing that summer job thingy ... if her dad finally agrees, and she's the one who convinced me to try out for Color Guard, anywho back to the story) well, she dropped a sizeable amount of weight this year and looks amazing. she said she did it doing the negitive cal diet. so she comes to me a few days ago and says, in passing, that she's been so busy lately that she hasn't eaten in 2 days. and she asked why i was so sore, and i gave her the 100 workout to do, she's really into working out. so i dunno if she is "like me" or if she's just a health concious girl? and i don't know if it's "alright" for me to want a buddy to help me at this. i feel really alone (with the exception of you guys, no one understands *SIGH*) and i want someone to tell my secrets to who won't judge me.

god, i feel really horible for wanting this but i do. i don't want her to be "sick" but if she already is then i want a friend in this.

also, apparently my friends have been talking about me. in a good way. i heard from a thrid source that H and S were talking about how they like that i'll speak my mind no matter what the consiquences and E's sister (who is also in Color Guard) said i was pretty much as good as a veteran. and E was in Choir a few days ago and said she liked my eyes alot (they're a smokey grey blue, damn i need those pictures. soon, i promise!!!!

Hope i'm not that bad,
Elle

Comments on comments:
Sofia: aww, well thank you, it's my favorite along with thin girls who have the off the sholder oversized sweaters. i like those alot!

Cinn: HAHA me too, i'm not doing nearly enough work for me to actually feel good. i don't know, babe. hehe,thanks to you too!!






(took a poo *sorry sorry, i'll never get over the TMI* i'm now at 258.0, YAYYYY *does weight loss happy dance*)

All i want is the love from your eyes

hey loves,

nasty nasty nasty, weekend w/ friends meant buttered popcorn, Doritos's and pancakes. i'm now at 265, again. i hate my body. i look NASTY.

Joined americaneaglelove's may/june challenge. i'm fasting and doing 100 workout plus color guard practice. and when i can't fast i'm eating 500 cal. i'm so over this softy shit. Mrs. hard-ass has come to play.

i promised thinspo, so a tiny post and then i'll probably work out and fast into oblivion. that's what i want, anyways.

Comments on coments:
americaneaglelove- hehe, thanks babe, i try really hard but when the self control abandons me i'm fucked, royally. i'm working hard for it.

becca- aww, thanks babe. *Smileies*

Nele- you're welcome, we can do this.
LOVE and i'll be back when i'm through being a whiney baby,
Elle