hey lovlies

well girls, it's been a while since i talked.

i'm working out like 2 hours a day, 4 days a week but i'm not loosing weight. hopefully i'm just building muscle. i'm eating like maybe 1000 cals/day. i've stayed constantly at 258.blah for the last week. this is pissing me off. i'm gonna try to keep my cal intakes lower and eat only liquids for a while to see if i can kick start some kind of loss.

i feel fat and stupid and ugly. this sucks. Somebody should have told me before i got fat that eating that crap would lead to this. fuck those yummy shity things. Some damn motercycles that were racing over at the race-track near my home woke me up at 8:30 this morning. i got to bed at 2 am, so i'm a bitchy bitch today. R is being a Dick, and cussing me out because i won't do everything that he asks me to do.RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR. i just need to escape this fucking town, find my center. get to college and never eat again. be lovely, make boys want me and girls jealous of my body and personality.

haven't eaten in almost 12 hours, i'm really getting kind of bitchy. sorry loves, but i won't whine to you anymore. you guys get to deal with enough of my whining already.

LOVE and HUGGS and KISSES,
Elle

Thinspo: this is Laetitia Casta, she's the only 5'7 model i could find.in theory i could loke remotely like her. if you have any more 5'7 models i could lookup i would LOVE them. leave suggestions in the comments.

oh lovlies, how i missed you so.

At this moment i would like to address K, who left a comment on my blog the last time i was here.

K,
well first off, thank you for you comment, it shows your concern for me and i appreciate that. secondly, i understand the "numbers game" that weight loss is and, for me at least, it is not quite so easy. i have many bad habits and many people around me who perpetuate or taught me those habits and breaking the habits and distancing the people is never going to be simple. and as for for your warning about the dangers of "ana", i understand them. i looked at them. i said that i was willing to do it in order to be happier. i am adamant that i will not spend what is supposed to be my happy, care-free years feeling self-conscious and ugly. i will be young and pretty and "thin". i understand that i run the risk of having a very bad disease and i understand the health risks. but i want what i want and i will work to get it. i am not going to spend, in the best case scenario, 2-3 years losing weight at a crawling pace and not enjoying my years of happiness. i am determined in my choice. Thank you for you concern but this is my answer.
Considerately, Elle

hey girlies,

i regret my recent hiatus immensely and i've been extremely bad about eating and exercising and in all matter of things. i now weight a nasty 259.0. which is really depressing. and i've been eating almost constantly. i have started band season so that is a 3x/week workout at 1.5-2 hours every time. i have a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks and i wanna be AT least 250...with clothes on for it. i'm tired of feeling nasty and being fat. i only want to have a waist, to have collar bones, to not have fat wings under my arms, to have a bit of room in between my legs. i don't need a thigh gap, i only need to walk w/o rubbing my entire legs together.

i am quite sure my mother knows. which isn't good but she won't come out and say anything right now and i really don't want her concern.

i am planning college trips and such, but my lovey (note: sarcasm) father has guilt tripped me into working another fair. it also happens to be on my first week of actual band practice. so not only will i be tired from work but also from band. fuck him. honestly, i feel no affection towards the man and i don't understand people who say that i must because he is my father. he had a minimal role in my upbringing and has always been an unpleasant entity to be around. i feel that if he needed workers to work with him that he should at least have been a decent person and not acted like an ass. when you need people, you don't yell at them the day after they have put in a 8 hour day doing monotonous, hard work. i think that is just wrong.

Have i mentioned my Summer English Project that is due on the same day as my doctor's appointment?? i have finished the book but i still need to find research for my paper, site it and then write the paper, and i have another paper to fill out with examples from the book. i will have to do this in 2 weeks, but not next week cause i'll be working a fair or at band practice. so inevitably it will have to happen in the 5 day time span that is after "The Week From Hell" and before my college visits, which i would want to be on August 5th, because my previously planned ones had to be moved in order for me to work this goddamn fair. but i can't actually shedule anything because my mom has to check to make sure that it is ok with my father and her work and with R (my brother)!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm really pissed right now becuse it feeles like everything i want is being ignored for the wants of other people who aren't even polite or nice. and here i am being good and helping out when i can and not making myself an obstacle to deal with, and i get slighted. FUCK THIS!!

i'm just gonna go now, sorry for the unload and whinge and shit storm.
Love,
Elle

p.s. Ellaveigh- thank you for your comment. i'm glad you beleive me to be an inspiration. i have a hard time feeling the same.

insert witty blog title here

hey, well that diet i was gonna start, it didn't happen. i'm a useless fat ass who can't do anything.

I AM starting the diet tomarrow (or today really 'cause it's 12:13 am) and i will go 30 days w/o processed foods. i have stocked up on fruits and veggies. i am going to be working most of the next 2 weeks.

just to update you all, i have officially quit but seeing as i quit quite suddenly 2 days ago, long story short Dad was an ass and me and H quit that day. it was a huge blow up. not fun. i will be filling in for the next 2 weeks on the fairs that i was going to work at.from there i don't know what will happen. i really wish that i could just walk away from my dad and his shitty business but i can b/c he's my familly, whether i like it or not. which really just sucks.

the 18th marks the first day of band rehearsal, well it's rookie camp so it's the first day for me, and i really don't want to be as fat as i am now for it. i would like 245-ish. i could live with 245-ish.

i would love to be under 200 by the start of school on August 29 (or somewhere close but i don't know the exact date) but that would be un-realistic. i will plan for 220 or something close. hopefully with the 2 hour/three times a week workouts that are band i'll lose some fat and gain some muscle.

in other news, there isn't any. i'm being a lazy bitch and lounging my summer away.
Love,
Elle

These pictures help me so much, i adore them greathly.

A new diet, a new month, let's get this thing a-going

hello ladies,

i shall fill you in on what has been happening in my life so far.

well, i'm about 90% sure that when i get all the money i need to repay the court and mom back i will be quitting my job. i just can't handle working with dad. he takes his frustration and anger out on me and it SUCKS. i also end up being more of a communication line and a scheduler than an actual worker so yeah, i'm gonna quit and he's gonna be PISSED. it'll be rocky but i just can't do it.

and, i went to Cedar Point on wednesday. it was fun except that when i went to get on the Millenium Force, i was too fat and took, what i have termed, the "FAT WALK OF SHAME". good news is that i burned somewhere around 4000 calories all day and ate like 2000 so it was all right.

i have also decided that i'm gonna try the Whole30 diet. today will be my first day.(you can find it here.)

so far,i've had cantelope for breakfast. i think i'll like this one.

anyone who would like to join me is greatly encouraged to do so, i would love the company and support.

i have lots of things running through my head right now and i can't deal with any of them without worry of my brain exploading so i'm gonna run away like the little girl i am.

I love you all,
Elle