-i wanna be the ethereal creature that wanders into a room and captures all the attention.
-i wanna glide down the sidewalks of New York, Paris, Tokyo, and have people do double takes.
-i wanna strut like i own this FUCKING PLANET!
-also, i wanna model, ok i know how cheesy it is but i WANT to expose myself to a camera and have it photograph my insides and find beauty, not fat. (and naughty, naughty for all you who read that and thought i meant porn star photos *eye waggle* hehe)
how in the hell can i accomplish these things if i'm fat and fucking lazy. today i'm going to the gym, no question, and i'm going to work on the eliptical machine and run my ass off.
today i'm liquid fasting, just to help me get on trach and nex week will be 400 cal instead of 600. i need this ladies and i'll be damned if i let it slip away.
ok,on a different note, i think my mom forgot about the therapy she was gonna get me, which is kinda sad and angering and makes me happy as well (bipolar, anyone??). on the happy side- i won't have to get outta my comfort zone, but also it means that my unhappiness wasn't noteworthy enough for her to take serious notice.
this always hapens though, she gives me a solution, and then never follows through, it's like i really don't matter to her. she can say beautiful things when i'm crumbling in front of her but when i build the wall up that makes me look semi-normal and keeps all my crazy, brokenness in, she just goes back to thining that i'm perfectly fine and could never even think of me holding myself because the pain inside hurts more than anything ever will on the outside.
(also, i physically can't cut or self-harm, it's similar to the line in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar where she says that she can't hurt the innocent skin of her wrist, it's not it's fault that she's bad on the inside, thats a lot like my feeling's toward SI.
the only thing i can do is to , ok brace yourselves this is nasty, i peel skin off my feet. like to the point where it bleeds, and i have to walk normally down the halls of school with the pain. that's my SI, also when i'm really angry or just feeling frustrated and wanting to just make everyone go away, i think, in detail, of cutting my fingers, then my hands then my entire arms off. ok, now i sound like a psyco killer. i'm notit's just how i deal, i can't even stand to kill a spider how would i harm an entire school of pretencious pricks and their group of whores.)
ok, i've never told the last bit to anyone, so keep it in good company, i haven't told my friends about the skin peeling thing either, so don't hurt me girls.
love, your completely fucked up chick,
Elle
we all have our demons and fucked up things to do. I burn myself with matches and cigarettes. there's just something about burning that feels pure, hah and I sound like a pyro, so don't worry about sounding like psycho. I'm sorry about your Mom not carrying through with what she said. Good luck liquid fasting!
ReplyDeleteIf pain's what you're after, perhaps snapping a thick rubber band against your wrist will help. I've found that it distracts me long enough to focus my mind on something different. Holding ice against your skin also works for some people.
ReplyDeleteTry not to let your mum upset you. There's a lot in life to worry about, and adding the actions and logic of another person to the list will only bring you down. I was diagnosed as bi-polar many years ago and hated therapy. It's different for everyone, but I found that I make the most progress with maintaining my happiness by routinely finding a quiet place and separating the good from the bad - the real from the fake. Then in public... well, I just go behind my own wall. ;)
Take care, m'dear. You're strong and can do whatever you want - nothing can hold you back unless you allow it to.
Here to talk <3 <3
you will be a model. i know you will be because you are amazing, and perfect, strong and THIN.
ReplyDeletedont pay attention to your mother, dont listen to anyone negative to be honest. you dont need them bringing you down.
dont let anything or anyone hold you back!
xoxo
You're not fucked up! It's just how you deal with things. You need to stay strong, though.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. We're all here for you.
Thank you for sharing all of this.
<3
ODing and starving myself is my form of SI. I guess I'm just a naturally self-destructive person. Maybe I really believe I don't deserve to be alive. Who knows?
ReplyDeleteWe've all got our ways of coping, lovie. We're not to judge you for yours :)
*big hug*
I liked your list of what you want to do. It was really positive.
You can make all your dreams come true!
Love, love, love,
<3